Happy Canadian New Year!

Canada, the ice-covered nation north of America, is today celebrating the beginning of the Canadian calendar following last night's Canadian New Year's Eve festivities (watching an extra hour of CBC). The Canadian year is based on the the Franco-Pagan calendar, which consists of a single yearlong long month called Tundrafroid, begins on what we call March 17. For reasons researchers have not yet ascertained, the Canadians only celebrate the holiday every three years.

Canada lost track of what year they are on some time during the 1970s, and subsequently adopted the numbering system used by the civilized world. 2007-09 are the years of the hog, celebrating the Golden Swine — the third most important figure in Canadian mythology after Shiva the Ice Goddess and Wayne Gretzky.

Thankfully, three out of four U.S. businesses close their doors every three years to allow their staff to celebrate Canadian New Year's Day as a paid holiday. If you're one of the 22 percent of Americans working today, call in sick and celebrate.

Like all holidays, Canadian New Year's Day has a set of traditions typically followed during its celebration. They pay tribute to various aspects of Canadian culture and are probably symbolic of something in Canada. Don't get bogged down in the history of the day though; instead, focus on getting the traditions right and enjoying yourself.

Most Canadians start the day with a traditional New Year's breakfast consisting of a large Tim Hortons coffee, three slabs of back bacon and a full stack of pancakes, or as the Canadians call them, "Johnny Cakes." The pancakes should be topped with maple syrup. Do not draw little maple leafs on the pancakes with the syrup; it will result in your local professional hockey team not making the playoffs.

After breakfast, you should make a point of doing all of the following throughout the day, in no particular order. Most of the following traditional Canadian New Year's activities have their roots in the Canadian Church. Again, don't get hung up on such details.

Erect the Altar to the Great One
This is done by placing a Wayne Gretzky McFarlane figurine on a pedestal. Only a Team Canada or Oilers edition should be used. Anoint yourself with a teaspoon of Gretzky Oil then burn a stick of maple incense and count backwards from 99. Snub the incense and use it to draw a 99 on your forehead.

Grow a beard (men only)
This is typically done during breakfast, but you can always do it later in the day if you forget.

Old school video hockey mini-tourney
Play three games of Ice Hockey on the NES (PC / Mac). Play as Canada and defeat Sweden, Czechoslovakia and the United States. If you lose a match, start over. Most Canadians play with two fat guys, one skinny guy and one normal guy for a balanced squad. If you favor speed or brawn you can certainly alter the mix, but be careful, the skinny guys are easily knocked down and the fat guys are incredibly slow.

Kill a bear
It is considered cheating in Canada to use a gun while hunting, so you must use a different weapon. Killing the beast with your hands, wits or a combination of the two is most in the spirit of the holiday, but arrows and throwing axes are also acceptable. If there are not bears wandering around your home as is common in Canada, you can also draw yourself killing a bear, as I have done here. Either way, be sure to have at least four cans of Labatt Blue first. Killing a bear without a head full of Canadian beer is nearly impossible, and drawing yourself in the act feels silly without it.

Throughout the day you should be drinking Labatts Blue and playing traditional Canadian holiday music. Although most radio stations will be playing Canadian holiday fare already, you should play your own tunes. Listen to the following albums on Canadian New Year's Day:

• Nomeansno - Why Do They Call Me Mr. Happy?
• Neil Young - Harvest
• Steppenwolf - Steppenwolf The Second
• The Guess Who - American Woman
• Arcade Fire - Funeral
• Bachman-Turner Overdrive - Bachman-Turner Overdrive II
• D.O.A. - Hardcore '81
• Skinny Puppy - VIVISectVI

Do not, under any circumstances, listen to Rush - 2112. Ever. However, 20 seconds of Geddy Lee air bass is permissible on Canadian New Year. Use them wisely.

There is no traditional holiday dress for Canadian New Year's Day other than the standard tuque. Do not remove the tuque for the entirety of the holiday, except to shower. Do not shower on Canadian New Year's Day. Here, Jose Theodore celebrates with his tuque.

Do these things and you will have an authentic Canadian New Year's Day to remember.